The Dice Were Loaded From the Start
by Faye Dartmouth
Summary: Adele deserved better, much better than Billy.


Title: The Dice Were Loaded From the Start

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: I blame sophie_deangirl. She was the one who started writing Adele/Billy, though of the unrequited variety. Next thing I know, I wrote this. So pardon all shippiness and blame her (mostly for being awesome, though!). She gave this a beta as well :) Also, title borrowed from "Romeo and Juliet" by the Dire Straits.

Pairing: Adele/Billy

Summary: Adele deserved better, much better than Billy.

-o-

Billy came to the United States with nothing. He was disgraced and rejected. His family had disowned him; his friends had all turned their backs. His loyalty was in question and his morality had been lambasted.

Really, as he got off the plane on American soil, he had nothing left to lose, but if that bothered him, he wasn't about to show it.

Instead, he held his head high, did his duty, and made the best of the years he had to come.

-o-

Billy charmed people.

This was his forte. Michael had seemed quite pleased about this. Casey had never begrudgingly acknowledged it; Carson had been amused.

"Damn kid," he used to say, shaking his head as he watched Billy work. "Never met a woman he couldn't wrap around his little finger."

Billy took pride in this; it often saved his life, the mission, the lives of his friends. That was what mattered.

Going home to an empty motel room, on the other hand, was not nearly so important.

-o-

It wasn't hard to make friends with the new guy. Rick was likeable in that way and Billy's charms were not reserved solely for the opposite sex.

"How do you do it?" Rick asked, after Billy had sweet-talked them out of harm's way via a motherly shopkeeper in Oslo.

Billy smirked. "Wits and wiles, mostly," he said, ducking them through the alleyways of the city while they tried to reconvene with Michael and Casey without getting killed. "That and a keen understanding of women."

"I know," Rick said. "That's what I don't understand."

"Women just crave attention," Billy said, keeping light on his feet while glancing behind them. "A few disarming smiles and a listening ear is all it takes to earn their trust."

Rick scoffed, as if it were that simple. Billy didn't tell him that it was, for men, for women, for everyone.

And Billy would know. After all these years alone, Billy would know.

-o-

He'd fancied Adele Ferrer since the moment her transfer was approved. Michael had nabbed her files and as they all did their research on her, he found her more than somewhat fascinating.

She was pretty, of course. Blonde and crisp. Her resume was impressive, to say the least, with success at all her postings and with skills ranging from the intellectual to the physical.

In all, she seemed too young for a directorship, even one of the deputy variety. Billy didn't often take to climbers, but ambition was certainly an attractive feature on any woman.

There was no mention in the file of personal ties. There was no significant other. That made sense, Billy thought, but still somewhat of a pity. Because Billy knew what it was to gain everything and still have nothing, and he wished it on no one.

Especially not Adele Ferrer.

-o-

Billy watched her. She conducted briefings with finesse. She handled herself with calm authority. She did not play favorites and she refused to take crap. If the CIA was still a boys club at heart, she never let it show. Billy found himself more keen on meetings and bureaucratic nonsense than he ever was before.

Over the years, Billy had often appreciated women. He had even accepted companionship from time to time. But he'd never let anyone get closer – it was a risk he simply could not allow.

He didn't have the best track record, after all. A deportation notice was hardly a small thing, and he'd broken more than one heart when he'd fallen from grace. Not just romantically, but in every other possible way.

Billy had proven himself untrustworthy, a scoundrel even. He'd made his own mother weep and there had been no one left to bid him adieu when he'd boarded a plane at Heathrow for the States.

But many years had passed. Billy had changed. His time with the ODS, maybe that meant something.

He was starting to wonder.

Starting to hope.

-o-

Billy could talk to anyone in any situation and get what he wanted. With Adele, he could make her smile even when she was trying so very hard to be serious. Their chitchat in the break room was classic and cute, and Billy did not think himself forward to imagine there might be something there.

He was thinking maybe he could ask her out, maybe he could take a real chance with her? Maybe it was time to end his self-imposed exile, time to let himself be fully human again.

Maybe.

But then Rick's eyes lit up at her mention; his cheeks flushed slightly when they were in her presence.

Bloody hell, Billy realized.

-o-

The thing was, they were a good match. Both determined, one with idealism, one with pragmatism. They would balance each other out. The fact that she was seeing him under false pretenses was perhaps not the best start to the relationship, but Billy knew Rick's innocent charm would wear away at her mocked up callous façade far faster than she intended.

It was cute to watch them, flirting without trying. Staging their time together to appear innocuous even when their affections were written plainly across their faces. It was hard to say when Adele's ruse got confused with actual affection, but Billy would wager that he saw the signs of love long before she did.

He wanted it to work. For Rick. For Adele. So over a beer in Germany, it seemed like the time to say, "Men like you and I, we're not destined for the happily ever after. If you have it, don't squander it."

Not with Adele. Not like Billy had.

-o-

No one was more surprised than Billy when Rick broke it off.

"Pardon," Billy said when Rick admitted to the dissolution of the courtship. "But have you seen Deputy Director Adele Ferrer?"

Rick nodded. "She's a beautiful woman."

Billy gaped a bit, despite himself. "She's beautiful and smart and cunning," he said, more than a bit riled. "She's everything a man could want in a possible mate and then some. She's even got a higher security clearance than you, mate. What more are you looking for exactly?"

Rick looked a little bleak, but he shrugged. "We're not right together," he said. "There's someone else out there for me. And she won't admit it, but there's someone else out there better for her than me."

Billy was incredulous but for once had no arguments.

"We'll always be friends," Rick said. "But I think we're better like that. Friends."

Billy couldn't even imagine.

-o-

Adele seemed to have made herself scarce after the breakup, but Billy found her in the break room about a week later. She seemed ready to bolt, but she held her ground, forcing a polite smile in what Billy could only assume was an attempt to save face.

"Lovely weather we're having," Billy said, getting his coffee while striving for cordiality.

Adele took a sip of her own and shook her head. "Don't," she said.

Billy raised his eyebrows. "Sorry?"

"Let's not play this game," she said. "Rick and I broke up. You don't have to pretend."

"I never pretend," Billy said. "At least, not around a beautiful woman."

"We can just be professionals," Adele continued.

Billy nodded. Then he shrugged. "Or we could just be friends," he said.

"But I'm not with Rick anymore," she said.

"I didn't realize that was a prerequisite," he said.

"It's not," she replied. "I just. I don't know. Assumed?"

Billy smiled, flush with sympathy. As he walked by, he paused by her, leaning close to speak. "Assumptions are dangerous in the spy game," he said. "And friends are scarce. I don't make the former and I always cling to the latter."

As Billy left, he saw the glimmer of a smile on her face.

-o-

Life went on, as it were. Missions and assets, successes and near-failures. Rick was turning into quite the operative, strong and sure, adept and vital. Michael's plotting was in rare form and Casey's physical prowess had never been more refined.

The ODS was a good team, better than ever. And life was good, even better than it had been with Carson. Better than it had ever been, maybe.

And when they got back Stateside, Billy always volunteered to debrief first, sitting in Adele's office, waiting for her questions.

Mostly, just waiting for her.

-o-

Rick met a girl. Some cute young thing. A civilian, of all things, but they were happy together.

Michael still worked on Fay, and they fought like cats and dogs, so Billy knew they were making progress.

Casey was never in want of company, and the girls got younger and prettier as time went on.

Billy was okay alone. He had his mates, and on weekends, he would run into Adele at the coffee shop and they'd talk for an afternoon, just the two of them. Friends.

That was all Billy needed.

That was all.

-o-

Coffee turned into more. Adele was an avid tomboy, he had found. She liked sports and working out, and she could best him at chess, a game Billy rarely had the patience for.

But playing with her never seemed hard. When she took his king, she grinned and said, "Checkmate," and Billy was never so happy to lose.

-o-

"It's a dangerous thing you're doing," Casey told him one day.

"What?" Billy asked.

"Dallying with the Deputy Director," he said bluntly.

Billy frowned. "We're friends."

Casey rolled his eyes.

-o-

Adele organized a mission in the Sudan. It was dangerous and the entire thing was a near miss. They had to go off grid to make it out alive, and it took them an extra week of being incommunicado before they secured alternative travel home.

When they arrived home, Fay and Adele were at the airport. Fay hesitated but hugged Michael before offering Rick and Casey a pair of hearty handshakes. Adele came up to Billy, flustered. "You can't do that," she said.

"We had no choice," Billy said. "All our lines were compromised."

"But you nearly scared me to death," she said. "If anything ever happened to you—"

She didn't finish.

She didn't have to.

Suddenly, Billy understood.

-o-

That night, Adele invited him back. They didn't waste time with small talk; they didn't waste time with anything. Instead, she pushed him to the couch, fumbling with the buttons on his crumpled dress shirt. Her body was hot and her lips were wet when she leaned over him and kissed him.

He couldn't help it; he groaned. He had one small moment of mental protest – no, this wasn't right, this wasn't _right_– but she kissed him again, her hand smoothing down the planes of his chest and abdomen before tugging at his belt.

And he had nothing left to fight with. He gave in, returning her kiss, leaning up and wrapping his arms around her as his passion finally overcame his senses.

-o-

In the early morning, Billy watched Adele sleep. He studied the shape of her face, the curve of her lips. She was beautiful, more beautiful than ever. And for a moment, he thought, he had never been happier.

When she woke, he apologized.

"What for?" she asked. "That was wonderful."

Billy's smile was sad. "And it can never happen again."

She blinked at him, clearly too afraid to speak.

"You're my boss," he said. "And you're Rick's ex."

"Rick's moved on," she said, pleading a little. "He's happy."

"But I'm no good for you," Billy said.

She was incredulous. "I think I get to be the judge of that."

Billy shook his head, gathering his things. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so, so sorry."

That morning, he saw himself out.

-o-

They didn't talk. There was no more coffee in the mornings, no more outings on the weekends. Billy looked for reasons to skip briefings and opted to debrief with Higgins when he could.

"I told you," Casey said, not really being cruel, but blunt, as was his way.

Michael clapped him on the shoulder. "Maybe a mission can take your mind off it."

Billy could only hope.

-o-

On the plane ride over, he thought about her. He thought about her devious wit, her strident humor. He thought about the prim way she signed her name and her easy use of bureaucratic power for the greater good.

He thought about her coffee with one sugar, her laugh after a glass of wine, the way she liked vanilla ice cream over chocolate, stereotypes be damned.

And he missed her.

But it was better this way, he told himself. He was a conman and a spy, he gained trust he didn't deserve and used people without hesitation. He did the wrong things and even if for the right reasons, he was still a right bastard in the end.

He'd disappointed too many people in his life, betrayed too many confidences. He'd broken his own mother's heart and failed every friend he'd made.

Adele deserved better, much better than Billy.

The more he thought it, the more he hoped it was true.

-o-

The mission was distracting. Problem was that Billy was distracted for all the wrong reasons.

He was off his game, so when the mark got a bloody shot off, it was entirely Billy's fault. Any other mission, he would have seen it coming, but this time, he didn't see anything until the pain split through his body and the blood was spreading across his chest.

Then he was on his back, staring up. He blinked and the world began to tunnel. Michael was yelling into a phone and Casey was tying up the mark. Rick was crouched over him, arms pressing down hard on Billy's chest.

"Hang on," Rick said. "Just hang on."

Good advice, probably, and Billy would have been wise to listen. But the pain was too much and the darkness was too pervasive. As his body shut down, he heard himself saying to Adele, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

-o-

The dark was broken by flashes of light. He was heavy and light all at once. There were doctors, nurses. Michael was there, Casey, too. Rick was holding his hand.

Billy tried to apologize but there was something in his throat. Something beeped – then beeped again – and he realized he was dying.

Billy had no qualms with dying – he never had. It was part of the job, a necessary risk. And he'd thought after leaving the UK he had nothing left to lose.

But his mates – he hated to lose them. And he'd never get to tell Adele the truth. Never get to see her face, never get to touch her lips.

Never get to tell her how much he loved her.

The darkness rose again and Billy had no choice but to surrender.

-o-

Later, when he was awake, Billy felt exhausted. His team had been vague on what was wrong with him and for once, Billy wasn't inclined to know all the facts. Recovery was slow and painful, and he felt winded more often than not.

Mostly, though, he felt an emotional heaviness, a near-spiritual weight that he couldn't remove, not even with the medical interventions or the physical therapy. He was alive according to all measures, but he'd never felt more dead inside.

Still, his team was there for him. Michael with silent encouragement, Casey with veiled insults. Rick was there most, gentle and cajoling, even when Billy wanted to give up.

"You need to get your strength back," he said.

"Why, so I can be deemed field worthy and place myself in harm's way again?" Billy asked. He sounded petulant, he knew. He felt petulant, too. He felt tired and cranky and sore and _done. _He was too old for this; too tired for it. It didn't mean as much as it used to.

Rick rolled his eyes. "No, so you can fix things with Adele," he said.

Billy was still verifiably weak, so he didn't have much strength to mount a proper defense. "You're talking rubbish," he said instead.

Rick laughed at him. "I'm not the newbie anymore," he said. "You can't just lie to me and expect me to believe it."

Billy frowned, pouting somewhat. "You're always the new guy to me," he said.

"Well, I still see this more clearly than you do," he said.

"Oh, and how's that?" Billy asked.

Rick sat back, looking at him plainly. "You love her," he said.

Billy stiffened and made a face of protest.

"You do," Rick said. "And she loves you."

Billy refused to let his emotions show.

"I don't know why you're so afraid to admit it," Rick said. "You, of all people."

Billy looked away stubbornly.

"You think it'll bother me?" he said. "I think Adele's great, but I'm not in love with her. And I think you're great. I think you two are great together."

Rick's blessing was something, but it wasn't all of it. It had been a convenient excuse, perhaps, a way out of facing reality. Billy shook his head. "You're wrong."

"Am I?" Rick asked.

Billy looked back at him. "I'm no good for her," he said. "Never have been."

Rick rolled his eyes again. "You're actually scared."

"I'm protecting her," Billy tried to explain.

"You're protecting yourself," Rick snapped with a sudden force that made Billy flinch. Rick looked at him steadily, clearly refusing to back down now. "You're scared and you're protecting yourself. And it's stupid because you could be happy."

Billy's stomach churned, his heart fluttering.

"I mean, don't you remember?" Rick asked. "Guys like you and me, we're not meant for the happily ever after."

Billy swallowed and fought the burning in his eyes. The words were hard to hear, harder still to believe.

"So if you've got it, don't squander it," Rick finished. Then his face softened. "Don't squander it, Billy. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her."

And Billy realized he'd probably trained Rick too well.

-o-

When Billy was finally cleared for travel back home, he was nervous. He couldn't sleep at all, despite the painkillers still in his system. Rick helped Billy de-board, supporting him as he limped back toward the terminal.

Billy was so focused on not falling over that he didn't see Adele until they were almost face-to-face.

Rick lingered, but moved away, and Billy shifted his weight to make sure he kept his footing.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she said, eyes blinking rapidly.

"You came," he said. And he looked her over. "You look good."

"Thanks," she replied, a little breathless. She made a face. "You look – horrible."

"I have a ways to go," Billy said. "The doctor said—"

She didn't let him finish. Instead, she moved forward, lips meeting his with such force that he almost toppled to the ground. His body ached at the movement but as the kiss deepened, everything faded until Adele was all there was.

Just her and him. The two of them.

The way it probably should have been since the beginning.

-o-

Billy came to the United States with nothing.

While he was there, he made better friends, found a new family. He stood as Rick's best man at his wedding, and clapped the hardest for the younger agent's promotion. He threw Casey's retirement party and still made yearly visits to the man, no matter how much time went by. He was the one witness to Fay and Michael's long coming, spur of the moment second marriage, and he was there for both of them when they almost broke up again.

Adele replaced Higgins as Director, which Billy always boasted was her greatest accomplishment.

Adele, however, disagreed. She thought their marriage was right up there and the birth of their daughter was certainly a close second.

Getting Billy his ticket back home, however, was her personal favorite.

So maybe Billy came to the United States with nothing.

Years later, though, he left with everything.


End file.
